[Humour] Al Gore makes a final appeal to the Supreme Court
Yet another recount . . .
By Quentin Langley
Dateline 14 December 2000
Boies: I would like to request a recount on the alleged virginity of Queen Elizabeth I. The intent of the voter is paramount and it is clear that, among others, Robert Dudley, Earl of Leicester, intended to . . .
Rehnquist: Yes, yes, Mr Boies, we know what he intended to do.
Olsen: What your client plans to do to us . . .
Boies: We have no way of examining the hymen, to see if it was fully dislodged, or merely dimpled, but the intention was clear.
Rehnquist: Possibly, but I am struggling to find the Federal issue.
Boies: Well, Mr Chief Justice, that should be clear. If the Queen was not a virgin, then the territories that have traditionally been called “Virginia” have been improperly named. I am suggesting the name “New Leicestershire” after the Queen’s lover, Dudley.
Rehnquist: I still don’t see the relevance to this case.
Boies: Well, the state of New Leicestershire has never been admitted to the Union. Their bogus delegates should plainly be barred from the Electoral College.
Ginsburg: Yessssssss! Go, Al.
Rehnquist: Justice Ginsburg?
Ginsburg: I mean, that sounds like a very reasoned argument, Mr Boies, perhaps you could tell us more.
Boies: My case is simple. I challenge anyone to find any reference to New Leicestershire being admitted to the Union.
Scalia: So, Mr Boies, what, in your opinion, is the legal status of “New Leicestershire”?
Boies: I imagine it is a colony under the British Crown. It certainly wasn’t one of the colonies which declared independence in 1776.
Scalia: And Thomas Jefferson?
Boies: A bogus President. He was elected in an illegal coup, just like the one Governor Bush is trying to organise.
Rehnquist: What is your view of the Congressional representation of Virginia.
Boies: New Leicestershire? Well, plainly, the two bogus “senators” need to be excluded. I have a petition from Senate Majority Leader Dachsle to that effect.
Scalia: And West Virginia?
Boies: Also a bogus state with no right to participate in the Electoral College. My client is challenging that delegation too.
Ginsburg: But what about the Senate? Wouldn’t that cost two Senators from our side?
Boies: The Majority Leader doesn’t seem to have submitted a petition regarding West New Leicestershire.
Ginsburg: Oh good.
Rehnquist: How do you expect the people of Virginia and West Virginia to react to your petitions?
Boies: Well, they are British, so it doesn’t matter. I certainly think the bogus “senators” from New Leicestershire will object. But Senator Robert Byrd of West New Leicestershire is very supportive. I have a statement from him saying “I am with you all the way, Al. Shoulder to shoulder, pointy hat to pointy hat, against the illegal actions of that damned Texan”.
Olsen: What was the date of that statement?
Boies: I don’t see the relevance . . .
Olsen: I just wonder if it was made to your client’s father about civil rights and Lyndon Johnson.
Boies: How dare you imply that my client’s father was opposed to civil rights. He was a decent man who is in no position to defend himself. He supported civil rights in every way he possibly could.
Olsen: Other than casting votes in the Senate?
Boies: Well, there are limits.
Rehnquist: I am sorry, but I am going to have to stop this farce.
Ginsburg: But it seemed to be going so well. Our side was winning.
Rehnquist: Our side?
Ginsburg: Yes, the Democrats.
Copyright © Quentin Langley 14 December 2000